Tuesday, 27 April 2010

My racing heart is just the same

First of all i do apologise to anyone following my blog, my laptop broke and PC world are at the top of a very tall EPIC FAIL list.
But now ive recieved satifying compensation i need to write here before my head explodes with my own banter.
Let me update you briefly...

2010 really has been a massive improvement. I've learnt to channel my anger into something productive, which for me is kickboxing. This new health regime is prompting me to feel great and i know one day i'll be able to look at myself and be happy with the way ive developed.
Im coping alot better now, without him, but im not going to lie, i've no need too, i still do miss him every single day. Its frustrating that not a day goes by where i sit and wonder "what if?". What if id done things differently. What if id not caught him being unfaithful. What if i hadnt had begged for him back, making a mockery of myself. I see his face in my mind and it hurts, even though i will it not too. I shouldnt care to be honest I should be repulsed by even the thought of his voice, but i cant help but think what i had with him was "it".
Its not just my fault though, i havent really found anything better since. Ive been interested in a few sorry souls but when it comes down to it all i can think is "your not him" and i hate myself for it. I hate the fact that i have to tell these people, who have so very kindly let me into their heart, that i dont feel for them what they feel for me. Especially the sex, it repulses me because its not him.
I do agree by far that this is probably the most unhealthy way of thinking. Im never going to recover 100% you say? Your probably right.
He still texts me, conveniently, he's actually just text me now. The thing i loved about him was he always kept me on my toes. Such a confusing person for someone so gorgeous. Sometimes he texts me really sweet things, thats when i know he's inhebriated. It plays with my heart something rotten though. Its not so much a heart at the moment, more a yoyo on elastic.
Since ive had a good year i thought id prepared myself for such a situation as him moving on and being emotionally interested in another girl but as soon as the prospect has now appeared i really dont know what to do with myself. Im a mess. I cant escape you, everytime i turn on my laptop your there and no ones to blame but myself. It kind of feels like a minor form of bullying in a way. Like in primary school when that said group of girls made me cry and i used to hide in the cloak room at dinner times so i wouldnt have to see them poking fun at me. But right now the cloakroom isnt there anymore, nothing is.
I hate that as you grow up you have to face your problems dead on, you cant really hide in your own fantasies like you used to. Problems seem to come more often and deal a much bigger blow. They say as you get older the harder your problems are to solve.
Well i dont want to grow up.
I miss being a kid, lately ive been watching films i had as a child. I never really unstood the stories in most of them. Like the little mermaid by Hanz Christian Anderson, not the rip off by Disney. I must have cried for half an hour at the end where the mermaid throws herself into the ocean and gives her life because she cant kill the man she's in love with, even though he loves someone else. Because his happiness is her happiness.
Im not ashamed of the fact i blubbered like a baby though, i like crying, it reminds me that i still have a heart. And its beating.

R.I.P Marina <3

On a brighter note this sun is filling me with feel good emotions. Please stay mr sunshine i love how you make me smile.

1 comment:

  1. May I just say: Pfft! YAY fantasy :D I'm staying here and you can't make me come out.