Thursday 21 October 2010

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?

The sad thing is i think we were ment to be together

Simon and Garfunkel  forever

Monday 18 October 2010

.....and then it rains

Take it from me...

Never trust a man who makes you immune to the british weather. He has ulterior motives

Wednesday 15 September 2010

Write it on the skyline

Are you familiar with that feeling you get, when your whole body goes cold? Like someones opened a window to a warm room on a winters morning. That gut feeling you get that sends shivers down your spine and makes all of the tiny hairs on the back of your neck stand on end, then my mum would usually follow with "Whats up has someone walked over your grave?" just like clockwork.
Or rather when someone carelessly tells you something you've been trying to avoid over hearing for months, or maybe a year and a half? And when you hear it, it messes you up so much inside, mentally and emotionally, that the only thing your capable of feeling is that farmiliar cold shiver of dread. Possibly hearing the words "Im seeing someone" echo from that one person you've always been scared to let go of just in case one day he might decide he misses you. Or maybe its the confirmation that he doesnt miss you, and probably doesnt actually give a proverbial shit at all. But i know what it definately is........ it's definately the wonderful, fresh yet undoubtedly harsh feeling of reality pissing all over your parade. And you just brought new shoes.

Every rooftop has a blue skyline......

I've met someone. I didnt even mind the rain today

Wednesday 18 August 2010

Reblogged

If you dont understand me, your understanding perfectly.

"I guess some people are just born with tragedy in their blood"

I really do miss having someone to hold on to at night. I mean, its completely acceptable being single and i promised i'd love no one else before i loved myself, but i feel im being starved of a compassionate touch.
I miss being loved unconditionally


Sunday 8 August 2010

6:34 we meet again

Again i find myself in an insomniac daze, blankly staring at the golden sunlight creeping ever so quietly throught my bedroom door. Maybe its because im thinking about you again. Or rather love.
Im plagued by the consequenses of my own actions, my own careless mistakes. But mistakes seem to be the only thing i can achieve at the moment. I can only be used.

Friday 2 July 2010

Hell proof

Last night was possibly the lowest point ive been at in a while.
I let everyone and their playground antics get to me. Im not usually like that but if you keep adding more water to an already full bath tub its inevitable its going to over flow and ruin the furnished floor that surrounds it. Well looks like i forgot to turn off the tap before i left for my local thursday activities. And whats worse is i let people see the damaged it caused.

Ive never had confidence issues until now, and ive never felt as agrophobic as i have recently. But in a way im glad of my low period. Im glad i slipped on the remians of the overflow, it showed me just who would run to pick me up. And fuck, there are some amazing people in my life.
For every person that spoke to me, thank you. I just needed pulling back up on my feet, brushing down and straightening back into reality.
You've all reminded me who i am and who i can be. What was i thinking? Im not this weak person who bows down to play ground bullies. I stopped doing that years ago. Im well on my way to finding myself again. And i need to learn to love myself before i can love someone else.

"So come on Laura, suck it up, fill your pockets with pride and take it all on the chin. Fuck everyone who doubts you and makes you doubt yourself. You've worked incredibly hard to get to this point, you dont need to prove anything to anybody. Get out there and have fun while you still can. Dont wait for men, make them wait for you. Love yourself" - Conscience

Im a strong person. I know im a strong person. I must be. HE text me. I declined his offer.


And i wont look back

Tuesday 1 June 2010

And I still hold your hand in mine. In mine when I'm asleep.

I feel the need to blog, i only feel this either when i need to empty my head, or let my fingers push the keys so i can concentrate on sorting out the mess that is my mind.

Ive been thinking about you again today, my mind can be so clear and satisfied until you force your way in like an unwanted midnight intruder to mess up and cause chaos in all my thoughts ive just organised.
You confuse me, i know i miss you, and i know i still feel something for you, but my heart desperately wants to find someone else. I cant figure out right now if i still love you or if i hate you.
And as much as i try to find someone else, the thought of you pulls me back. No one has stood a chance so far and i know, thats just the way you like it. I guess i just need to get my head around how one person can go from their world... to nothing but the dirt beneath their shoes. How can you fall out of love so quickly? And why cant i do it?

Monday 31 May 2010

Oh toby, my feline friend

They say dog is a mans best friend, well what about a woman? Besides the materialistic things of course. What is left to love you at the end of the day when the object of your desires has left and your heart is empty?
My mum brought me a kitten when my heart shattered, she knew full well if i had something else to love each and every day a small part of my heart would heal. Eventually, the numbness of having an empty heart would leave. Tobys not exactly 'him' but id be lost without his cute little face.


My advice to anyone going through a break up.... buy yourself a kitty.

Eat your words and choke on them



Thanks....

Sunday 30 May 2010

The holiday

"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade."

"I have another scenario for you - I'm in love with you. I apologize for the blunt delivery, but as problematic as this fact may be, I'm in love... with YOU. I'm not feeling this because you're leaving, and not because it feels good to feel this way... which, by the way, it does, or did before you went off like that. I can't figure out the mathematics of this, I just know I love you....."

Wednesday 26 May 2010

Please..



Save the foxes

Thursday 20 May 2010

This city...

I HATE this fucking city and everyone in it. Your all fickle fucks that thrive off everyone elses misfortune and childish rumours which some sad lonely twat made up because they had nothing better to bide their time with.
Seriously i've actually realised tonight how childish Leicester is. Im so angry right now i could actually walk a million miles away from this place and never return. I hope whoever started these rumours burns in their own smouldering guilt.
After all the shit ive been through in this last two years do you really think i want to hear this absolute bollocks? I FINALLY start to cheer the fuck up after him and organise my life and everyone just wants to see me fall.
Well here's some shocking fucking facts for you yeah?

(FAQS)
1) I lost my virginity when i was 18, to a boy i was with for 2 years.
2) I didnt have a boyfriend until i was 17.
3) I didnt have my first kiss until i was 16.
4) Ive only slept with 4 guys in the last 2 years, none of which are one night stands.
5) Im only interested in one person right now.
6) I've never cheated
7) Every relationship ive been in ended because ive been cheated on
8) Id rather die lonely than be "the other woman" i hate cheaters.
9) I just want to fall in love
10) yes i actually want to be friends with everyone because id rather be friends then be hated.
11) No im not interested in your boyfriend
12) No i dont lead people on, if i dont feel like my hearts in it, i will tell you.
13) I dont actually LOVE sex that much.
14) I HATE one night stands, what a way to feel used and dirty.
15) Ive never had an STI

So thanks everyone for starting and also believing the rumours which are so far from the truth its unreal.
I am NOT a slag, i am NOT a bitch your just gulliable for believing such utter SHIT. Im guessing half of you dont even know me or have even spoken to me.
So how about you keep out of my fucking business and get on with your own pathetic excuse of lives.
Yes... i want everyone to read this, so spread this mother fucker around

Saturday 1 May 2010

Take me to paradise city...

You know, as hard as i try, people make it very hard for me to get on with my life. Im trying my hardest to futher my career and grow up according to how i should do. I thought friends were ment to help your progress and cheer you on in every step of this race called "life" but lately some of my bestest have really been throwing in the obsticles, making it so difficult for me to continue.
If its not one thing, it really is another, and that sayings completely true. I never used to believe my mum when she used to repeat it but as you age you become more aware that almost everything your parents told you is actually pure, solid, undignified F.A.C.T.
Like right now, im doing so well in maturing enough to find my way back on to the rails that i diversed from i actually thought within a few months i would have reached the target of happiness. Stupidity. Im having one of those situations where the past comes back to haunt me. If you remember correctly, in my previous post i refered to the skeletons in my closet.... well they're out, looking for me and they're angry. Im being bounty hunted by my own past. And the ones i thought i could trust are pointing them in the direction of my perfect retreat.
Best friends? Hah! That means nothing now a days. My best friends selling me out for a girl, just because he's foolishly in love with a fantasy he can never behold. Wow that just makes me feel special.

And what is it now with all my friends getting pregnant? I mean, i think its fantastic for them, i know theyre going to make great parents but.... what i dont get is how their biological is working. I mean im older than them and my clock hasn't hit baby o'clock yet. I cant really feel it hitting it any time soon. Does that mean im immature? Does it mean my clock isnt working?

I hate this city, I think ive out grown it, either that or its out grown me. Either way we're not the best of friends. Im sorry leicester but i just cant tolerate you anymore.

Thursday 29 April 2010

The boy who blocked his own shot

If it makes you less sad, I will die by your hand.
I hope you find out what you want.
I already know what I am.
And if it makes you less sad, we'll start talking again.
And you can tell me how vile I already know that I am.
I'll grow old and start acting my age.
I'll be a brand new day in a life that you hate.
A crown of gold. A heart that's harder than stone.
And it hurts a whole lot, but it's missed when it's gone.

Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not.
I'm glad that you can forgive.
I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget.

If it makes you less sad, I'll move out of the state.
You can keep to yourself. I'll keep out of your way.
And if it makes you less sad, I'll take your pictures all down.
Every picture you paint, I will paint myself out.
It's cold as a tomb, and it's dark in your room,
when I sneak to your bed to pour salt in your wounds.
So call it quits or get a grip.
Say you wanted a solution.
You just wanted to be missed.

Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not.
I'm glad that you can forgive.
I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget...

You are calm and reposed. Let your beauty unfold.
Pale white, like the skin stretched over your bones.
Spring keeps you ever close. You are second hand smoke.
You are so fragile and thin. Standing trial for your sins.
Holding onto yourself the best you can.
You are the smell before rain. You are the blood in my veins.

Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not.
I'm glad that you can forgive. I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget.

Tuesday 27 April 2010

:D



These never EVER fail to put a smile on my face.
I LOVE YOU LOLCATS <3

My racing heart is just the same

First of all i do apologise to anyone following my blog, my laptop broke and PC world are at the top of a very tall EPIC FAIL list.
But now ive recieved satifying compensation i need to write here before my head explodes with my own banter.
Let me update you briefly...

2010 really has been a massive improvement. I've learnt to channel my anger into something productive, which for me is kickboxing. This new health regime is prompting me to feel great and i know one day i'll be able to look at myself and be happy with the way ive developed.
Im coping alot better now, without him, but im not going to lie, i've no need too, i still do miss him every single day. Its frustrating that not a day goes by where i sit and wonder "what if?". What if id done things differently. What if id not caught him being unfaithful. What if i hadnt had begged for him back, making a mockery of myself. I see his face in my mind and it hurts, even though i will it not too. I shouldnt care to be honest I should be repulsed by even the thought of his voice, but i cant help but think what i had with him was "it".
Its not just my fault though, i havent really found anything better since. Ive been interested in a few sorry souls but when it comes down to it all i can think is "your not him" and i hate myself for it. I hate the fact that i have to tell these people, who have so very kindly let me into their heart, that i dont feel for them what they feel for me. Especially the sex, it repulses me because its not him.
I do agree by far that this is probably the most unhealthy way of thinking. Im never going to recover 100% you say? Your probably right.
He still texts me, conveniently, he's actually just text me now. The thing i loved about him was he always kept me on my toes. Such a confusing person for someone so gorgeous. Sometimes he texts me really sweet things, thats when i know he's inhebriated. It plays with my heart something rotten though. Its not so much a heart at the moment, more a yoyo on elastic.
Since ive had a good year i thought id prepared myself for such a situation as him moving on and being emotionally interested in another girl but as soon as the prospect has now appeared i really dont know what to do with myself. Im a mess. I cant escape you, everytime i turn on my laptop your there and no ones to blame but myself. It kind of feels like a minor form of bullying in a way. Like in primary school when that said group of girls made me cry and i used to hide in the cloak room at dinner times so i wouldnt have to see them poking fun at me. But right now the cloakroom isnt there anymore, nothing is.
I hate that as you grow up you have to face your problems dead on, you cant really hide in your own fantasies like you used to. Problems seem to come more often and deal a much bigger blow. They say as you get older the harder your problems are to solve.
Well i dont want to grow up.
I miss being a kid, lately ive been watching films i had as a child. I never really unstood the stories in most of them. Like the little mermaid by Hanz Christian Anderson, not the rip off by Disney. I must have cried for half an hour at the end where the mermaid throws herself into the ocean and gives her life because she cant kill the man she's in love with, even though he loves someone else. Because his happiness is her happiness.
Im not ashamed of the fact i blubbered like a baby though, i like crying, it reminds me that i still have a heart. And its beating.

R.I.P Marina <3

On a brighter note this sun is filling me with feel good emotions. Please stay mr sunshine i love how you make me smile.

Friday 8 January 2010

And, And, And

..."GO AFTER HER. FUCK, DONT SIT THERE AND WAIT FOR HER TO CALL, GO AFTER HER BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU SHOULD DO IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE. DON'T WAIT FOR THEM TO GIVE YOU A SIGN CAUSE IT MIGHT NEVER COME, DON'T LET PEOPLE HAPPEN TO YOU, DON'T LET ME HAPPEN TO YOU, OR HER, SHE'S NOT A FUCKING TELEVISION SHOW OR TORNADO. THERE ARE PEOPLE I MIGHT HAVE LOVED HAD THEY GOTTEN ON THE AIRPLANE OR RUN DOWN THE STREET AFTER ME OR CALLED ME UP DRUNK AT FOUR IN THE MORNING BECAUSE THEY NEED TO TELL ME RIGHT NOW AND BECAUSE THEY CANNOT REGRET THIS AND I ALWAYS THOUGHT I'D BE THE ONLY ONE DOING CRAZY THINGS FOR PEOPLE WHO WOULD NEVER GIVE ENOUGH OF A FUCK TO DO IT BACK OR TO ACT LIKE IDIOTS OR BE ENTIRELY VULNERABLE AND HONEST AND MAKING SOMEONE FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU IS EASY AND FLYING 3000 MILES ON FOUR DAYS NOTICE BECAUSE YOU CAN'T JUST SIT THERE AND DO NOTHING AND BREATHE INTO TELEPHONES IS NOT EVERYONE'S IDEA OF LOVE BUT IT IS THE WAY I CAN RECOGNIZE IT BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT I DO. GO SCREAM IT AND BE WITH HER IN MEANINGFUL WAYS BECAUSE THAT IS BEAUTIFUL, AND THAT IS GENEROUS AND THAT IS WHAT LOVING SOMEONE IS, THAT IS RAW AND THAT IS UNGUARDED, AND THAT IS ALL THAT IS WORTH ANYTHING, REALLY."....

Monday 4 January 2010

Is it too late to remind you?

Hello 2010

So its a new year which automatically means new start, new out look, new fitness regieme.... blah blah blah.
To be completely honest with you im just happy to see the total arse end of 2009. That year was filled with drama, tears and i felt like i was waging a constant war with myself deep down in the depths of my own heart. So this year im going to do everything i possibly can to put a stop to that.

My last mistake of 2009 was confessing to him how i really felt inside, even though i wouldnt even be safe to say we were on talking terms right now. I sent him a sweet little sickly video of "You could be happy" by Snow Patrol. I felt it was a subtle way of telling him, unfortunately i still have feelings for you but i know theres nothing i can do to stop you fucking an abundance of my mates along with half of the women in this god forsaken city. With a clean slate and unblocked airways i found it easier to welcome in 2010 with open arms and light shoulders. It aint heavy...its a new start.

2009 has presented me with some of the best people i have ever met though. As they say every grey cloud has a shiny silver lining and the people i met this year are definately worth their weight in such said precious metals. Through my own mysery i seem to find such wonderful life savers. And when i say life savers im not even over exaggerating... my head has been in a very dark place this 365 days and who knows where i would have ended up if it wasnt for these beautiful distractions.
My little wedesday club keeps my chin up and my head out the sand. There's only 4 of us... sometimes 3 but its all i need right now. Two of them are the most amazing lads ive ever met in my entire existance. I can completely be myself around them and they dont care how tired i look or how silly a mood im in. They dont mind if i cant be bothered to put make up on or do my hair, or dress up. They dont mind if i want to venture out or if i just want to stay in and cuddle up on the sofa and be sad. I dont think ive ever met people like them, this is the first time I've associated myself so deeply with a male without them feeling the need to try and get intimate.
You have no idea how that feels for me, its like reaching for that appropritely placed glass of cold water in the midst of the night, and that satisfying feeling you get when you realise its there ready to drink. You take a big gulp, its not too warm.. and its not too cold. It just feels so refreshing to get what you want.... when ususally the glass isnt there for me.
Ash, Andy and Kat.. the best thing to come out of 2009.

Of course i lost some friends in 2009, some really good friends, the sort of friends that when your sitting there with blood on your hands and makeup down your face they turn to you and say "Everythings going to be okay, nothings going to harm you, not while im around". . I dont know how i let things get so bad, i miss them alot but if its going to be easier for them and myself to get on with life without each others friendship then so be it. Who am i to stand in the way of anyones happiness. And if their happy without me then i bid them the best of luck in life.

So come on 2010, ive waited a whole year now to be happy, lets see what you've gt for me.