Saturday 28 November 2009


The thought of you makes me smoke 100 cigarettes.
Laying in the midst of my own episodic, pathetic daydreams of what we could have been, and all the things we never were.
You remain under my tongue, lingering like a bad taste i cant get enough of.

In hindsight, 2009 hasnt been a good year for me, I have had my heart broken more than once, I have lost the love of my life, I have lost my best friends, I have become my own worst enemy and my own best friend.
I can trust nobody.

Friday 27 November 2009

Amphigouri: literary nonsense

I've been doing copious amounts of thinking reecently, and ive been spending alot of time in my own head just trying to sort through what really is keeping me in this numb but mellow state.
The amount of ancient procrastination which needs to be addressed is unreal and i intend to correct such unfinished business one holy step at a time. As they say "one small step for man, one slightly reduced one for Laura Dee".

I've come to a conclusion, yet in contradiction, the conclusion is a mearly a begining. I've come to the conclusion (and finally the acceptance) that i dont understand myself, and how can i even begin to establish an understanding of what i want when i dont even understand myself.
I dont understand how i work, how i think, i dont understand my actions or intentions. I am an enigma of my own emotions. I can try and reason within myself but im not even overly sure if i can work within reason, im not sure how i work.
I behold so many different personalities im getting lost and loosing any sense of who i really am. Truth is i dont fully know why or at what point in my life this started, im pretty sure in the midst of my innocence i had a tight grasp on myself and others around me. Now everythings just out of control.

Im trying to preoccupy my mind with throwing every ounce of energy i have into developing my teaching career, but at times when i accidently give space for my mind to wander, i find i always revert to thinking about the same damn thing as i used too.
Although, i think about it alot less than i used to which is definately a vast improvement. I try my hardest not to fall for your games everytime you text me, and believe me by the sounds of the things you text me you drive a hard bargain, but im glad im not the only one that remembers the good times.
Its hard for me, because im so indecisive with myself at the moment, i cant establish weather i love you, or hate you. Sometimes the simplest thought of you makes me smile, all i have to do is close my eyes and pretend your there and my heart melts. Other times the smallest thing that reminds me of you will make me shake with anger and damn the day i ever let you walk into my life.
If i could turn back the time i would tell myself to never have gone over to your house that day that i did. Funny thing was i only agreed to travel over there to shut you up, you nagged me for weeks. I never intended to like you or get on that well with you. But i entered your house and ever since that day i never left... and you never left my heart.

Ive nearly text you so many times this week to tell you that i miss you, i even nearly told you that my hearts still in love with you, but i realise the probability of that information doing more harm than good is quite high and i know id only and up just getting more hurt. But what am i ment to say when you text me something as sweet tasting as you did?

So what have i learnt from this? That i dont understand myself? Yes. That im a walking contradiction? Yes. Ive found a way to solve this? No

So all i can offer you is a little contradiction Poem to invite you in to my frame of mind... kind of...

One bright day in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back-to-back they faced one another,
Drew their swords and shot each other.
One was blind and the other couldn't see,
So they chose a dummy for a referee.
A blind man went to see fair play,
A dumb man went to shout "hooray!"
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
And came and shot the two dead boys.
A paralyzed donkey walking by,
Kicked the copper in the eye,
Sent him through a rubber wall,
Into a dry ditch and drowned them all.
(If you don't believe this lie is true,
Ask the blind man -- he saw it too!)

Thursday 5 November 2009

Just sing when your winning..

Ive fucking given you a way out like you wanted.
Left you alone like you wanted.
Let you do what you want like you wanted.

Then why in gods name wont you LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!
Right now i really cant deal with your narrow minded selfishness. Your abrubt attempt to affect me in a way you know you most certainly will.
Its always the same with you.
Start the converstation, say something nice to temp my inner demons and stir the skeletons in my ever so nicely painted closet.
Then right there BAM you land me with the most nauseating, gut wrenching insult which tears down every brick you just put up.
You have me even doubting right now, if we can ever be friends. You just use me.
Use me for my emotions.
Use me for my company.
Use me for pleasure.
Use me for the fact that you know i'll break so easily.

You break me, over and over again, you promise to fix me but each time you break me in to so many little pieces, and then your afraid to touch me incase i'll cut you.
I know your proceeding to be so distant because everytime you reach the boundaries of getting close to me again you look at me and see the reflection of yourself. A reflection of a man whos denying the fact he seeks love, but exchanges love with business in fear of loosing all the keeps him sane.
You know your just like me, and you hate it dont you.
An eye for an eye and the world goes blind.
So i'll cover my eyes and hope to god either you or me stops before this goes too far.

Wednesday 4 November 2009

Shame on you if you fool me once, Shame on me if you fool me twice.

Congratulations Laura!

You are the proud owner of yet another broken heart!
Courtesy of: Ones self.

Im so utterly disappointed in myself i really am. My level of stupidity is far superior to any other stupid enounter i may have been unlucky enough to have faced!
And there was me thinking i could be saved, that this could be saved, that maybe for once following my heart would get me somewhere!

The thing is, im so fucking utterly disappointed in the both of you. I mean i knew one of you could be like this but the other? And after id put so much effort into seeing you when you wanted me to?! It wouldnt suprise me now if both of you were laughing at my expense, grinning to yourselfs whilst staring into the bottom of your almost empty pint glass. Because no doubt i mean as much to you now as the last warm disgusting dreg of beer in the bottom of your glass.

Lets break this down a little, without naming names...

Firstly, i put my feelings on the line this week decided to tempt the familiar with the possibility of my presence. Id had this planned out for a long time, step 1 - renovate, step 2 - revisit, step 3 - convert. Each step carefully considered, i have alot of time since i dont sleep much at night anymore.
I dont know what part of me or my body thought it was going to be easy, but i clearly wasnt prepared for what happened.
So you, the familiar, drew me in, lied through your fucking teeth, made me believe all your utter bullshit and used me. Well done you really pulled a number on me this time.


Because I KNOW exactly what goes on when your free to roam and hunt. I KNOW who you use and how you get your kicks. I KNOW exactly what youve become and how quickly youve become a selfish cunt.
Are you even slightly aware what you put me through that night? Did you feel even at least half the hurt i felt when i saw you do business with each and everyone one of them in front of my face? Can you even imagine how disheartened i was everytime you looked straight through me? Each and everytime you forgot our friendship was there and turned around to see who you could do business with next? Have you ANY idea how many feelings i put on the line to even just talk to you?
No... thought not. But then again, there's not much you do know is there. You stopped taking interest as soon as i started being a safe bet.
So thats right, thats exactly what im here for, to be everyones domino. Set me up just to knock me down. After all the SHIT ive been through and all the times ive climbed back up you are there just to fucking knock me down again. And its not even romotely tollerable and the other dominoes are fucking heavy. But they dont know they're domines yet.... do they??

But again, i guess it was my own stupid fault for believing anything else existed inside your chest other than a swinging brick. Your heart left you when you stopped believing in it.

And secondly, You mr unfamiliar, mr not like the rest, mr "never felt like this before" im so disappointed in you.
I think you should know, after everything that happened before you, you were the only thing keeping me smiling. You liked the fact i thought about you didnt you. And i was here, waiting like a prized turkey for you to sort yourself out and figure out whether you could ever let a girl in.
I listened to you, i hung on your every word. I thought maybe, just maybe, you'd be the answer to my prayers and take me away from the bog standard continuous life i had. Not taken away, just something to shake it up abit. I was fed up of feeling like my heart was going to waste and you gave it something to occupy itself with.
Whats amusing is, you said you'd never be like my ex. But you never even had the heart to tell me you weren't coming back did you? So i sat waiting for a text thinking "maybe he'll text me tonight". But no text ever came through from you. And again, i got more and more disheartened.

You see alots happened in this past week. And i really need you. I know your arms now and i need them just so i can think for a while. You never really were overly loving but i liked that.
But i know now, you've probably found someone better like i said you would. I just wish you would have told me you didnt want to carry this thing on we had..... and not just go silent.

So, Hello, Here i am again. Laura, 22, lonely and unhappy. Its all back to Square one, right now id even settle for square 2 or 3. Square ones a cold place to be, especially when your loosing all your friends and have no one to turn too.
I wish i could tell my mum without her saying its all your fault.

I could really use a friend right now....