Saturday, 28 November 2009


The thought of you makes me smoke 100 cigarettes.
Laying in the midst of my own episodic, pathetic daydreams of what we could have been, and all the things we never were.
You remain under my tongue, lingering like a bad taste i cant get enough of.

In hindsight, 2009 hasnt been a good year for me, I have had my heart broken more than once, I have lost the love of my life, I have lost my best friends, I have become my own worst enemy and my own best friend.
I can trust nobody.

Friday, 27 November 2009

Amphigouri: literary nonsense

I've been doing copious amounts of thinking reecently, and ive been spending alot of time in my own head just trying to sort through what really is keeping me in this numb but mellow state.
The amount of ancient procrastination which needs to be addressed is unreal and i intend to correct such unfinished business one holy step at a time. As they say "one small step for man, one slightly reduced one for Laura Dee".

I've come to a conclusion, yet in contradiction, the conclusion is a mearly a begining. I've come to the conclusion (and finally the acceptance) that i dont understand myself, and how can i even begin to establish an understanding of what i want when i dont even understand myself.
I dont understand how i work, how i think, i dont understand my actions or intentions. I am an enigma of my own emotions. I can try and reason within myself but im not even overly sure if i can work within reason, im not sure how i work.
I behold so many different personalities im getting lost and loosing any sense of who i really am. Truth is i dont fully know why or at what point in my life this started, im pretty sure in the midst of my innocence i had a tight grasp on myself and others around me. Now everythings just out of control.

Im trying to preoccupy my mind with throwing every ounce of energy i have into developing my teaching career, but at times when i accidently give space for my mind to wander, i find i always revert to thinking about the same damn thing as i used too.
Although, i think about it alot less than i used to which is definately a vast improvement. I try my hardest not to fall for your games everytime you text me, and believe me by the sounds of the things you text me you drive a hard bargain, but im glad im not the only one that remembers the good times.
Its hard for me, because im so indecisive with myself at the moment, i cant establish weather i love you, or hate you. Sometimes the simplest thought of you makes me smile, all i have to do is close my eyes and pretend your there and my heart melts. Other times the smallest thing that reminds me of you will make me shake with anger and damn the day i ever let you walk into my life.
If i could turn back the time i would tell myself to never have gone over to your house that day that i did. Funny thing was i only agreed to travel over there to shut you up, you nagged me for weeks. I never intended to like you or get on that well with you. But i entered your house and ever since that day i never left... and you never left my heart.

Ive nearly text you so many times this week to tell you that i miss you, i even nearly told you that my hearts still in love with you, but i realise the probability of that information doing more harm than good is quite high and i know id only and up just getting more hurt. But what am i ment to say when you text me something as sweet tasting as you did?

So what have i learnt from this? That i dont understand myself? Yes. That im a walking contradiction? Yes. Ive found a way to solve this? No

So all i can offer you is a little contradiction Poem to invite you in to my frame of mind... kind of...

One bright day in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back-to-back they faced one another,
Drew their swords and shot each other.
One was blind and the other couldn't see,
So they chose a dummy for a referee.
A blind man went to see fair play,
A dumb man went to shout "hooray!"
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
And came and shot the two dead boys.
A paralyzed donkey walking by,
Kicked the copper in the eye,
Sent him through a rubber wall,
Into a dry ditch and drowned them all.
(If you don't believe this lie is true,
Ask the blind man -- he saw it too!)

Thursday, 5 November 2009

Just sing when your winning..

Ive fucking given you a way out like you wanted.
Left you alone like you wanted.
Let you do what you want like you wanted.

Then why in gods name wont you LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!
Right now i really cant deal with your narrow minded selfishness. Your abrubt attempt to affect me in a way you know you most certainly will.
Its always the same with you.
Start the converstation, say something nice to temp my inner demons and stir the skeletons in my ever so nicely painted closet.
Then right there BAM you land me with the most nauseating, gut wrenching insult which tears down every brick you just put up.
You have me even doubting right now, if we can ever be friends. You just use me.
Use me for my emotions.
Use me for my company.
Use me for pleasure.
Use me for the fact that you know i'll break so easily.

You break me, over and over again, you promise to fix me but each time you break me in to so many little pieces, and then your afraid to touch me incase i'll cut you.
I know your proceeding to be so distant because everytime you reach the boundaries of getting close to me again you look at me and see the reflection of yourself. A reflection of a man whos denying the fact he seeks love, but exchanges love with business in fear of loosing all the keeps him sane.
You know your just like me, and you hate it dont you.
An eye for an eye and the world goes blind.
So i'll cover my eyes and hope to god either you or me stops before this goes too far.

Wednesday, 4 November 2009

Shame on you if you fool me once, Shame on me if you fool me twice.

Congratulations Laura!

You are the proud owner of yet another broken heart!
Courtesy of: Ones self.

Im so utterly disappointed in myself i really am. My level of stupidity is far superior to any other stupid enounter i may have been unlucky enough to have faced!
And there was me thinking i could be saved, that this could be saved, that maybe for once following my heart would get me somewhere!

The thing is, im so fucking utterly disappointed in the both of you. I mean i knew one of you could be like this but the other? And after id put so much effort into seeing you when you wanted me to?! It wouldnt suprise me now if both of you were laughing at my expense, grinning to yourselfs whilst staring into the bottom of your almost empty pint glass. Because no doubt i mean as much to you now as the last warm disgusting dreg of beer in the bottom of your glass.

Lets break this down a little, without naming names...

Firstly, i put my feelings on the line this week decided to tempt the familiar with the possibility of my presence. Id had this planned out for a long time, step 1 - renovate, step 2 - revisit, step 3 - convert. Each step carefully considered, i have alot of time since i dont sleep much at night anymore.
I dont know what part of me or my body thought it was going to be easy, but i clearly wasnt prepared for what happened.
So you, the familiar, drew me in, lied through your fucking teeth, made me believe all your utter bullshit and used me. Well done you really pulled a number on me this time.


Because I KNOW exactly what goes on when your free to roam and hunt. I KNOW who you use and how you get your kicks. I KNOW exactly what youve become and how quickly youve become a selfish cunt.
Are you even slightly aware what you put me through that night? Did you feel even at least half the hurt i felt when i saw you do business with each and everyone one of them in front of my face? Can you even imagine how disheartened i was everytime you looked straight through me? Each and everytime you forgot our friendship was there and turned around to see who you could do business with next? Have you ANY idea how many feelings i put on the line to even just talk to you?
No... thought not. But then again, there's not much you do know is there. You stopped taking interest as soon as i started being a safe bet.
So thats right, thats exactly what im here for, to be everyones domino. Set me up just to knock me down. After all the SHIT ive been through and all the times ive climbed back up you are there just to fucking knock me down again. And its not even romotely tollerable and the other dominoes are fucking heavy. But they dont know they're domines yet.... do they??

But again, i guess it was my own stupid fault for believing anything else existed inside your chest other than a swinging brick. Your heart left you when you stopped believing in it.

And secondly, You mr unfamiliar, mr not like the rest, mr "never felt like this before" im so disappointed in you.
I think you should know, after everything that happened before you, you were the only thing keeping me smiling. You liked the fact i thought about you didnt you. And i was here, waiting like a prized turkey for you to sort yourself out and figure out whether you could ever let a girl in.
I listened to you, i hung on your every word. I thought maybe, just maybe, you'd be the answer to my prayers and take me away from the bog standard continuous life i had. Not taken away, just something to shake it up abit. I was fed up of feeling like my heart was going to waste and you gave it something to occupy itself with.
Whats amusing is, you said you'd never be like my ex. But you never even had the heart to tell me you weren't coming back did you? So i sat waiting for a text thinking "maybe he'll text me tonight". But no text ever came through from you. And again, i got more and more disheartened.

You see alots happened in this past week. And i really need you. I know your arms now and i need them just so i can think for a while. You never really were overly loving but i liked that.
But i know now, you've probably found someone better like i said you would. I just wish you would have told me you didnt want to carry this thing on we had..... and not just go silent.

So, Hello, Here i am again. Laura, 22, lonely and unhappy. Its all back to Square one, right now id even settle for square 2 or 3. Square ones a cold place to be, especially when your loosing all your friends and have no one to turn too.
I wish i could tell my mum without her saying its all your fault.

I could really use a friend right now....

Sunday, 18 October 2009

H is for Hindsight

I need you so much right now.
This never would have happened if you were here, You said you'd always be here to help me whenever i needed you. You said you wouldnt ever let anyone hurt me.

Well your wrong.

If you were here you'd sit me down, make me the worlds worst cup of tea and give me one of those hugs that says "its okay, your safe, the world cant get you now".
I cant even call you up and tell you i need you, you just left so suddenly and i know your not coming back.

If you were still here i wouldnt have made such bad choices, i wouldnt have become a something i said id never be,
Im not a bad a person, i just made a wrong decision, and you'd tell me that.
But who do i have now to reassure me it CAN be changed.
You always told me to never let people get to me, because at the end of the day....................
You see... thats the point, its been so long since ive spoken to you ive forgotten. Your words that resounded so loudly in my head have escaped so quickly, as though they were a caged bird desperately trying to take flight.

Now i dont know what to do, or what to say. All im sure of is that i need you and i want you to come home to our little family.

But now, as soon as ive finished finding my dispare in the bottom of a ben and jerrys tub, i'll pick up my coat, put on your scarf (which even after all this time still smells of you) and walk to the places through the night, where we used to walk together. And i'll sit there for a while, just remembering how much i miss you.

Goodnight and sweetdreams

Tuesday, 29 September 2009


If you dont understand me, your understanding perfectly.

You look so gorgeous as you break my heart.

Sunday, 27 September 2009

100 strokes of the brush before bed....

"This is why you make me lose my head; your mature, intelligent and you have this passion inside you that's utterly boundless."

"I know, I've hurt myself, I've had no respect for me, for my person, which i say i love so much. I'm not so sure i love myself as i once did; a girl who loves herself doesn't let her body be violated by any man whatsoever, without a specific reason and without even any pleasure. I tell you this as a prelude to revealing a secret, a sad secret that i foolishly wanted to hide from you, deluding myself that i could forget."

"I entered the bathroom, looked at myself in the mirror and no longer saw the image of that girl who took such delight in examining herself a few years ago. I saw sad eyes rendered even more pitiful by the black liner that streamed down my cheeks. I saw a mouth that had been violated so many times tonight and had lost its freshness. I felt invaded by foreign bodies. Then i brushed my hair a hundred times, as my mother always says, as princesses do."

P is for PROMISE

Okay so i haven't blogged in along time, mainly because I've been excessively busy with my new job (yes i got that teaching job).
I know i REALLY should have done, it would have made this post a lot less of an effort to write.

Okay, lets keep it traditional, even though i do prefer the abstract, and start where we left off....

After feeling like a huge endless empty hole was forming itself inside me i found a reason to think positively and whenever i felt like the world had taken a huge proverbial crap on my shoulders i would look to my newly discovered reason and found that part of me smiled.
I was beginning to clear out the old and redecorate myself for the new, dusting all the corners ready for my new reason to take control of what drives my desire. Naturally we had our ups and downs but the positives definitely outweighed anything other than. I had a reason to clear my head and really appreciate the person i was, i felt completely comfortable, resembling the feeling one gets when immersing ourselves in newly washed sheets before bedtime.
My reason occupied my mind as only someone who is absent can. And now it is absent.
It has gone to discover bigger and greater things, and as i am happy for it, its absence bothers me greatly. Where is my reason to smile? Where can i now discover myself in the arms of someone else if my reason is not here?


My reason is gone,
My best friend has gone,

My other best friend is distant

Most of the people i depended on to keep me standing fail to be mature

I don't know who or what i can trust

I need a sanctuary, just so i can rummage through my own thoughts and disregard those that make me unhappy.

Talking of sanctuary, i took a break to Carlisle for a few days to clear my head of Leicester's madness and escape the sights of what feels like the anti-Christ (No names mentioned).
Yes i know the anti-Christ is probably a little over dramatic but she lies, she destroys all who fall under her feet, she has an army of minions who heed to her every call and I'm pretty sure she breathes fire too.
Well.... maybe not......

Anyway carlisle was awesome. Spending near on 4 days with Venzie in an unknown town where no one knows me or my past was the relief i needed. I could create a whole new identity and erase the parts of me that i hate.

Venzie was an awesome host, she let me share her bed, drink her wine and use her laptop for the whole break. Her housemates are wicked and her house is beautiful (except her dodgy radiator!)

Since I've been back I've had nothing but shit, shit and more shit.

Ive seen things id rather not see, I've heard things i probably shouldn't have listened too and I've even been threatened once.

The one person i though would always be there for me has finally turned their back, but in the most hurtful way.
They seem to misunderstand me yet they understand me the most. The fact that we are both walking contradictions bring us close together. We have that special bond, but now it is broken, completely ripped to shreds and severed at the ends.

Now i feel like i have no one, not in direct anyway, i know i can rely on the few that are gifted with the intelligence to stay mutual and save judgement until the time it matters. And for those few i am very grateful!

I am unhappy where i am.
I need change.....

I promise to visit my friends more often
I promise to travel out of the city whenever i can

I promise to see venzie as much as possible

I promise to put as much effort in to my new job as possible

I promise to love each and every one of my students

I promise to concentrate more on my modelling and build my portfolio

I promise to get a better hobby

I promise to cherish my remaining friends

I promise to love my cat (even when he's being a cunt)

I promise to eat better

I promise to stop going out so much

I promise to keep learning

I promise to stop chasing love, and let it come to me.

I promise to work on my physical appearance
I promise to do what ever it takes to be happy

I promise to blog more often.

Sunday, 6 September 2009

Your the nicest thing

All I know is that you're so nice,
You're the nicest thing I've seen.

I wish that we could give it a go,
See if we could be something.

I wish I was your favorite girl,

I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world.
I wish my smile was your favorite kind of smile

I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style.

I wish you couldn't figure me out,

But you always wanted know what I was about.

I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset,

I wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met.

I wish you had a favorite beauty spot that you loved secretly,
'Cos it was on a hidden bit that nobody else could see.

Basically, I wish that you loved me,

I wish that you needed me,

I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,
actually I meant three.

I wish that without me your heart would break,

I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake.
I wish that without me you couldn't eat,

I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.

Look all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen.

And I wish that we could see if we could be something.

Yea I wish that we could see if we could be something.

The nicest thing - Kat
e Nash <3

Tuesday, 1 September 2009

Well now i just feel fucking stupid.

If I Can Only Be With You In My Dreams, Then Let Me Sleep Forever.

I know, i know i promised to never talk to them every again, but please read this before you judge and i'll try to justify myself!

They popped up on msn again for the second time this week, asking that stupid pathetic question which has boiled my blood both times.
What sort of fucking question is that seriously?? And secondly how fucking old are you!

Its been the first time in 4 months the person in question has even looked my way, and every day ive missed them. I always wonder what theyre up too and if they ever think of me like i regrettedly think of them.
I dont want to think of them, i just do.

But until now our sides had been silent.
I didnt want to answer, and i knew i shouldnt, in fact i had no the slightest idea what to do. Its been so long since we spoke that words escaped me and my hands, shaking, hovered over the keys for a good 20 minutes before i even found the confidence in me to type.
You see the thing is, i dont want to hide away, it certainly isnt my place too, but im not the same person as i was 4 months ago and neither are they, and ive worked damn hard in those 4 months to achieve what i have now!
I certainly dont want to regress and go back on all my hard work.

There's so much more i wanted to say to them, i could have unleashed a whole can of worms on the situation and i could have wrote for hours, saying the things i could never say back then.
But i didnt....

I felt that short and sweet was probably the best option but the problem was i was finding it difficult not to regress. Wounds leave scars and deep wounds are always tender for a long time.

The person in question kept it short and blunt, like they always were, they stated it was just concern, but they had nothing to be concerned about. So now i guess we'll go back to just not talking, seperated by that horrible and cold no-mans-land we call ignorance.

So congratulations, you've now got me thinking, i want to say so much but i'll keep my mouth closed and just talk about you in my blog.



Monday, 31 August 2009

It all starts somewhere...

Alice came to a fork in the road. "Which road do I take?" she asked.
"Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat.
"I don't know," Alice answered.
"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."
~Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

Nothing ever makes sense, but i like it that way. It makes life more interesting and not so straightforward.
I decided to delete my old blog today and start a fresh one. Id neglected my old one way too much, the unorganisiation and chaos of the page was blowing my mind. Im not the most organised of people but....... well there is no but, that was a pure fact for you right there.

For those of you who dont know me, hello!
Your probably expecting me to go into some morbid detail about my past but im pretty sure you'll probably get more of an idea from reading future posts.
Im not going to babble on and bore you with things you really dont need to know.
For those of you who do know me, then congratulations your about to know me some more.

You'll have to pardon my extremely poor first post, its 4:17am and its got to the point now where my eyes hurt and ive gone past the stage of tired, everythings just slightly num. I have no consentration at this time of night, not helped by constant flicking between this and pointless msn conversation with other fellow insomniacs.
Im glad my best friends up with me though, we always find something to amuse us weather its stumble (its amazing you really must try it), family guy, or horror films.
She's going back to university soon and this displeases me alot. Im happy for her, knowing she's come such a long way on her own and she's doing so well so far away from home (home is with me, i dont care where she's originally from) but i know when she leaves i'll be on my own again and she'll be off having copious amounts of fun with her new friends.

There comes a point in every girls blog when love is mentioned.
Id just like to state now that even though im a sucker for love... i hate it!
Its screwed me over too much in the past, LOVE IS NOT MY FRIEND!
I hate it but i cant avoid it, because yes i am in love. Its like the smell of sunday dinner cooking, the smell radiates through the house and no matter how high you climb or how many doors you shut, you cant escape it. Even hours after its consumed you can still smell it. You have to destroy the remains, remove it from your house, air it out and brush your teeth of it!
I hope you appreciate the metaphores used here!

Right now i think im going to leave this here...
My eyes are hurting from a combination of late nights and being allergic to my own cat. Tragic.
Im going to make a cup of tea.