You know, as hard as i try, people make it very hard for me to get on with my life. Im trying my hardest to futher my career and grow up according to how i should do. I thought friends were ment to help your progress and cheer you on in every step of this race called "life" but lately some of my bestest have really been throwing in the obsticles, making it so difficult for me to continue.
If its not one thing, it really is another, and that sayings completely true. I never used to believe my mum when she used to repeat it but as you age you become more aware that almost everything your parents told you is actually pure, solid, undignified F.A.C.T.
Like right now, im doing so well in maturing enough to find my way back on to the rails that i diversed from i actually thought within a few months i would have reached the target of happiness. Stupidity. Im having one of those situations where the past comes back to haunt me. If you remember correctly, in my previous post i refered to the skeletons in my closet.... well they're out, looking for me and they're angry. Im being bounty hunted by my own past. And the ones i thought i could trust are pointing them in the direction of my perfect retreat.
Best friends? Hah! That means nothing now a days. My best friends selling me out for a girl, just because he's foolishly in love with a fantasy he can never behold. Wow that just makes me feel special.
And what is it now with all my friends getting pregnant? I mean, i think its fantastic for them, i know theyre going to make great parents but.... what i dont get is how their biological is working. I mean im older than them and my clock hasn't hit baby o'clock yet. I cant really feel it hitting it any time soon. Does that mean im immature? Does it mean my clock isnt working?
I hate this city, I think ive out grown it, either that or its out grown me. Either way we're not the best of friends. Im sorry leicester but i just cant tolerate you anymore.
Saturday, 1 May 2010
Thursday, 29 April 2010
The boy who blocked his own shot
If it makes you less sad, I will die by your hand.
I hope you find out what you want.
I already know what I am.
And if it makes you less sad, we'll start talking again.
And you can tell me how vile I already know that I am.
I'll grow old and start acting my age.
I'll be a brand new day in a life that you hate.
A crown of gold. A heart that's harder than stone.
And it hurts a whole lot, but it's missed when it's gone.
Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not.
I'm glad that you can forgive.
I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget.
If it makes you less sad, I'll move out of the state.
You can keep to yourself. I'll keep out of your way.
And if it makes you less sad, I'll take your pictures all down.
Every picture you paint, I will paint myself out.
It's cold as a tomb, and it's dark in your room,
when I sneak to your bed to pour salt in your wounds.
So call it quits or get a grip.
Say you wanted a solution.
You just wanted to be missed.
Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not.
I'm glad that you can forgive.
I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget...
You are calm and reposed. Let your beauty unfold.
Pale white, like the skin stretched over your bones.
Spring keeps you ever close. You are second hand smoke.
You are so fragile and thin. Standing trial for your sins.
Holding onto yourself the best you can.
You are the smell before rain. You are the blood in my veins.
Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not.
I'm glad that you can forgive. I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget.
I hope you find out what you want.
I already know what I am.
And if it makes you less sad, we'll start talking again.
And you can tell me how vile I already know that I am.
I'll grow old and start acting my age.
I'll be a brand new day in a life that you hate.
A crown of gold. A heart that's harder than stone.
And it hurts a whole lot, but it's missed when it's gone.
Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not.
I'm glad that you can forgive.
I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget.
If it makes you less sad, I'll move out of the state.
You can keep to yourself. I'll keep out of your way.
And if it makes you less sad, I'll take your pictures all down.
Every picture you paint, I will paint myself out.
It's cold as a tomb, and it's dark in your room,
when I sneak to your bed to pour salt in your wounds.
So call it quits or get a grip.
Say you wanted a solution.
You just wanted to be missed.
Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not.
I'm glad that you can forgive.
I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget...
You are calm and reposed. Let your beauty unfold.
Pale white, like the skin stretched over your bones.
Spring keeps you ever close. You are second hand smoke.
You are so fragile and thin. Standing trial for your sins.
Holding onto yourself the best you can.
You are the smell before rain. You are the blood in my veins.
Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not.
I'm glad that you can forgive. I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget.
Tuesday, 27 April 2010
My racing heart is just the same
First of all i do apologise to anyone following my blog, my laptop broke and PC world are at the top of a very tall EPIC FAIL list.
But now ive recieved satifying compensation i need to write here before my head explodes with my own banter.
Let me update you briefly...
2010 really has been a massive improvement. I've learnt to channel my anger into something productive, which for me is kickboxing. This new health regime is prompting me to feel great and i know one day i'll be able to look at myself and be happy with the way ive developed.
Im coping alot better now, without him, but im not going to lie, i've no need too, i still do miss him every single day. Its frustrating that not a day goes by where i sit and wonder "what if?". What if id done things differently. What if id not caught him being unfaithful. What if i hadnt had begged for him back, making a mockery of myself. I see his face in my mind and it hurts, even though i will it not too. I shouldnt care to be honest I should be repulsed by even the thought of his voice, but i cant help but think what i had with him was "it".
Its not just my fault though, i havent really found anything better since. Ive been interested in a few sorry souls but when it comes down to it all i can think is "your not him" and i hate myself for it. I hate the fact that i have to tell these people, who have so very kindly let me into their heart, that i dont feel for them what they feel for me. Especially the sex, it repulses me because its not him.
I do agree by far that this is probably the most unhealthy way of thinking. Im never going to recover 100% you say? Your probably right.
He still texts me, conveniently, he's actually just text me now. The thing i loved about him was he always kept me on my toes. Such a confusing person for someone so gorgeous. Sometimes he texts me really sweet things, thats when i know he's inhebriated. It plays with my heart something rotten though. Its not so much a heart at the moment, more a yoyo on elastic.
Since ive had a good year i thought id prepared myself for such a situation as him moving on and being emotionally interested in another girl but as soon as the prospect has now appeared i really dont know what to do with myself. Im a mess. I cant escape you, everytime i turn on my laptop your there and no ones to blame but myself. It kind of feels like a minor form of bullying in a way. Like in primary school when that said group of girls made me cry and i used to hide in the cloak room at dinner times so i wouldnt have to see them poking fun at me. But right now the cloakroom isnt there anymore, nothing is.
I hate that as you grow up you have to face your problems dead on, you cant really hide in your own fantasies like you used to. Problems seem to come more often and deal a much bigger blow. They say as you get older the harder your problems are to solve.
Well i dont want to grow up.
I miss being a kid, lately ive been watching films i had as a child. I never really unstood the stories in most of them. Like the little mermaid by Hanz Christian Anderson, not the rip off by Disney. I must have cried for half an hour at the end where the mermaid throws herself into the ocean and gives her life because she cant kill the man she's in love with, even though he loves someone else. Because his happiness is her happiness.
Im not ashamed of the fact i blubbered like a baby though, i like crying, it reminds me that i still have a heart. And its beating.
R.I.P Marina <3
On a brighter note this sun is filling me with feel good emotions. Please stay mr sunshine i love how you make me smile.
But now ive recieved satifying compensation i need to write here before my head explodes with my own banter.
Let me update you briefly...
2010 really has been a massive improvement. I've learnt to channel my anger into something productive, which for me is kickboxing. This new health regime is prompting me to feel great and i know one day i'll be able to look at myself and be happy with the way ive developed.
Im coping alot better now, without him, but im not going to lie, i've no need too, i still do miss him every single day. Its frustrating that not a day goes by where i sit and wonder "what if?". What if id done things differently. What if id not caught him being unfaithful. What if i hadnt had begged for him back, making a mockery of myself. I see his face in my mind and it hurts, even though i will it not too. I shouldnt care to be honest I should be repulsed by even the thought of his voice, but i cant help but think what i had with him was "it".
Its not just my fault though, i havent really found anything better since. Ive been interested in a few sorry souls but when it comes down to it all i can think is "your not him" and i hate myself for it. I hate the fact that i have to tell these people, who have so very kindly let me into their heart, that i dont feel for them what they feel for me. Especially the sex, it repulses me because its not him.
I do agree by far that this is probably the most unhealthy way of thinking. Im never going to recover 100% you say? Your probably right.
He still texts me, conveniently, he's actually just text me now. The thing i loved about him was he always kept me on my toes. Such a confusing person for someone so gorgeous. Sometimes he texts me really sweet things, thats when i know he's inhebriated. It plays with my heart something rotten though. Its not so much a heart at the moment, more a yoyo on elastic.
Since ive had a good year i thought id prepared myself for such a situation as him moving on and being emotionally interested in another girl but as soon as the prospect has now appeared i really dont know what to do with myself. Im a mess. I cant escape you, everytime i turn on my laptop your there and no ones to blame but myself. It kind of feels like a minor form of bullying in a way. Like in primary school when that said group of girls made me cry and i used to hide in the cloak room at dinner times so i wouldnt have to see them poking fun at me. But right now the cloakroom isnt there anymore, nothing is.
I hate that as you grow up you have to face your problems dead on, you cant really hide in your own fantasies like you used to. Problems seem to come more often and deal a much bigger blow. They say as you get older the harder your problems are to solve.
Well i dont want to grow up.
I miss being a kid, lately ive been watching films i had as a child. I never really unstood the stories in most of them. Like the little mermaid by Hanz Christian Anderson, not the rip off by Disney. I must have cried for half an hour at the end where the mermaid throws herself into the ocean and gives her life because she cant kill the man she's in love with, even though he loves someone else. Because his happiness is her happiness.
Im not ashamed of the fact i blubbered like a baby though, i like crying, it reminds me that i still have a heart. And its beating.
R.I.P Marina <3
On a brighter note this sun is filling me with feel good emotions. Please stay mr sunshine i love how you make me smile.
Friday, 8 January 2010
And, And, And
..."GO AFTER HER. FUCK, DONT SIT THERE AND WAIT FOR HER TO CALL, GO AFTER HER BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU SHOULD DO IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE. DON'T WAIT FOR THEM TO GIVE YOU A SIGN CAUSE IT MIGHT NEVER COME, DON'T LET PEOPLE HAPPEN TO YOU, DON'T LET ME HAPPEN TO YOU, OR HER, SHE'S NOT A FUCKING TELEVISION SHOW OR TORNADO. THERE ARE PEOPLE I MIGHT HAVE LOVED HAD THEY GOTTEN ON THE AIRPLANE OR RUN DOWN THE STREET AFTER ME OR CALLED ME UP DRUNK AT FOUR IN THE MORNING BECAUSE THEY NEED TO TELL ME RIGHT NOW AND BECAUSE THEY CANNOT REGRET THIS AND I ALWAYS THOUGHT I'D BE THE ONLY ONE DOING CRAZY THINGS FOR PEOPLE WHO WOULD NEVER GIVE ENOUGH OF A FUCK TO DO IT BACK OR TO ACT LIKE IDIOTS OR BE ENTIRELY VULNERABLE AND HONEST AND MAKING SOMEONE FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU IS EASY AND FLYING 3000 MILES ON FOUR DAYS NOTICE BECAUSE YOU CAN'T JUST SIT THERE AND DO NOTHING AND BREATHE INTO TELEPHONES IS NOT EVERYONE'S IDEA OF LOVE BUT IT IS THE WAY I CAN RECOGNIZE IT BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT I DO. GO SCREAM IT AND BE WITH HER IN MEANINGFUL WAYS BECAUSE THAT IS BEAUTIFUL, AND THAT IS GENEROUS AND THAT IS WHAT LOVING SOMEONE IS, THAT IS RAW AND THAT IS UNGUARDED, AND THAT IS ALL THAT IS WORTH ANYTHING, REALLY."....
Monday, 4 January 2010
Hello 2010
So its a new year which automatically means new start, new out look, new fitness regieme.... blah blah blah.
To be completely honest with you im just happy to see the total arse end of 2009. That year was filled with drama, tears and i felt like i was waging a constant war with myself deep down in the depths of my own heart. So this year im going to do everything i possibly can to put a stop to that.
My last mistake of 2009 was confessing to him how i really felt inside, even though i wouldnt even be safe to say we were on talking terms right now. I sent him a sweet little sickly video of "You could be happy" by Snow Patrol. I felt it was a subtle way of telling him, unfortunately i still have feelings for you but i know theres nothing i can do to stop you fucking an abundance of my mates along with half of the women in this god forsaken city. With a clean slate and unblocked airways i found it easier to welcome in 2010 with open arms and light shoulders. It aint heavy...its a new start.
2009 has presented me with some of the best people i have ever met though. As they say every grey cloud has a shiny silver lining and the people i met this year are definately worth their weight in such said precious metals. Through my own mysery i seem to find such wonderful life savers. And when i say life savers im not even over exaggerating... my head has been in a very dark place this 365 days and who knows where i would have ended up if it wasnt for these beautiful distractions.
My little wedesday club keeps my chin up and my head out the sand. There's only 4 of us... sometimes 3 but its all i need right now. Two of them are the most amazing lads ive ever met in my entire existance. I can completely be myself around them and they dont care how tired i look or how silly a mood im in. They dont mind if i cant be bothered to put make up on or do my hair, or dress up. They dont mind if i want to venture out or if i just want to stay in and cuddle up on the sofa and be sad. I dont think ive ever met people like them, this is the first time I've associated myself so deeply with a male without them feeling the need to try and get intimate.
You have no idea how that feels for me, its like reaching for that appropritely placed glass of cold water in the midst of the night, and that satisfying feeling you get when you realise its there ready to drink. You take a big gulp, its not too warm.. and its not too cold. It just feels so refreshing to get what you want.... when ususally the glass isnt there for me.
Ash, Andy and Kat.. the best thing to come out of 2009.
Of course i lost some friends in 2009, some really good friends, the sort of friends that when your sitting there with blood on your hands and makeup down your face they turn to you and say "Everythings going to be okay, nothings going to harm you, not while im around". . I dont know how i let things get so bad, i miss them alot but if its going to be easier for them and myself to get on with life without each others friendship then so be it. Who am i to stand in the way of anyones happiness. And if their happy without me then i bid them the best of luck in life.
So come on 2010, ive waited a whole year now to be happy, lets see what you've gt for me.
To be completely honest with you im just happy to see the total arse end of 2009. That year was filled with drama, tears and i felt like i was waging a constant war with myself deep down in the depths of my own heart. So this year im going to do everything i possibly can to put a stop to that.
My last mistake of 2009 was confessing to him how i really felt inside, even though i wouldnt even be safe to say we were on talking terms right now. I sent him a sweet little sickly video of "You could be happy" by Snow Patrol. I felt it was a subtle way of telling him, unfortunately i still have feelings for you but i know theres nothing i can do to stop you fucking an abundance of my mates along with half of the women in this god forsaken city. With a clean slate and unblocked airways i found it easier to welcome in 2010 with open arms and light shoulders. It aint heavy...its a new start.
2009 has presented me with some of the best people i have ever met though. As they say every grey cloud has a shiny silver lining and the people i met this year are definately worth their weight in such said precious metals. Through my own mysery i seem to find such wonderful life savers. And when i say life savers im not even over exaggerating... my head has been in a very dark place this 365 days and who knows where i would have ended up if it wasnt for these beautiful distractions.
My little wedesday club keeps my chin up and my head out the sand. There's only 4 of us... sometimes 3 but its all i need right now. Two of them are the most amazing lads ive ever met in my entire existance. I can completely be myself around them and they dont care how tired i look or how silly a mood im in. They dont mind if i cant be bothered to put make up on or do my hair, or dress up. They dont mind if i want to venture out or if i just want to stay in and cuddle up on the sofa and be sad. I dont think ive ever met people like them, this is the first time I've associated myself so deeply with a male without them feeling the need to try and get intimate.
You have no idea how that feels for me, its like reaching for that appropritely placed glass of cold water in the midst of the night, and that satisfying feeling you get when you realise its there ready to drink. You take a big gulp, its not too warm.. and its not too cold. It just feels so refreshing to get what you want.... when ususally the glass isnt there for me.
Ash, Andy and Kat.. the best thing to come out of 2009.
Of course i lost some friends in 2009, some really good friends, the sort of friends that when your sitting there with blood on your hands and makeup down your face they turn to you and say "Everythings going to be okay, nothings going to harm you, not while im around". . I dont know how i let things get so bad, i miss them alot but if its going to be easier for them and myself to get on with life without each others friendship then so be it. Who am i to stand in the way of anyones happiness. And if their happy without me then i bid them the best of luck in life.
So come on 2010, ive waited a whole year now to be happy, lets see what you've gt for me.
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