The holiday

"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade."

"I have another scenario for you - I'm in love with you. I apologize for the blunt delivery, but as problematic as this fact may be, I'm in love... with YOU. I'm not feeling this because you're leaving, and not because it feels good to feel this way... which, by the way, it does, or did before you went off like that. I can't figure out the mathematics of this, I just know I love you....."

Please..

 

Save the foxes

This city...

I HATE this fucking city and everyone in it. Your all fickle fucks that thrive off everyone elses misfortune and childish rumours which some sad lonely twat made up because they had nothing better to bide their time with.
Seriously i've actually realised tonight how childish Leicester is. Im so angry right now i could actually walk a million miles away from this place and never return. I hope whoever started these rumours burns in their own smouldering guilt.
After all the shit ive been through in this last two years do you really think i want to hear this absolute bollocks? I FINALLY start to cheer the fuck up after him and organise my life and everyone just wants to see me fall.
Well here's some shocking fucking facts for you yeah?

(FAQS)
1) I lost my virginity when i was 18, to a boy i was with for 2 years.
2) I didnt have a boyfriend until i was 17.
3) I didnt have my first kiss until i was 16.
4) Ive only slept with 4 guys in the last 2 years, none of which are one night stands.
5) Im only interested in one person right now.
6) I've never cheated
7) Every relationship ive been in ended because ive been cheated on
8) Id rather die lonely than be "the other woman" i hate cheaters.
9) I just want to fall in love
10) yes i actually want to be friends with everyone because id rather be friends then be hated.
11) No im not interested in your boyfriend
12) No i dont lead people on, if i dont feel like my hearts in it, i will tell you.
13) I dont actually LOVE sex that much.
14) I HATE one night stands, what a way to feel used and dirty.
15) Ive never had an STI

So thanks everyone for starting and also believing the rumours which are so far from the truth its unreal.
I am NOT a slag, i am NOT a bitch your just gulliable for believing such utter SHIT. Im guessing half of you dont even know me or have even spoken to me.
So how about you keep out of my fucking business and get on with your own pathetic excuse of lives.
Yes... i want everyone to read this, so spread this mother fucker around

Take me to paradise city...

You know, as hard as i try, people make it very hard for me to get on with my life. Im trying my hardest to futher my career and grow up according to how i should do. I thought friends were ment to help your progress and cheer you on in every step of this race called "life" but lately some of my bestest have really been throwing in the obsticles, making it so difficult for me to continue.
If its not one thing, it really is another, and that sayings completely true. I never used to believe my mum when she used to repeat it but as you age you become more aware that almost everything your parents told you is actually pure, solid, undignified F.A.C.T.
Like right now, im doing so well in maturing enough to find my way back on to the rails that i diversed from i actually thought within a few months i would have reached the target of happiness. Stupidity. Im having one of those situations where the past comes back to haunt me. If you remember correctly, in my previous post i refered to the skeletons in my closet.... well they're out, looking for me and they're angry. Im being bounty hunted by my own past. And the ones i thought i could trust are pointing them in the direction of my perfect retreat.
Best friends? Hah! That means nothing now a days. My best friends selling me out for a girl, just because he's foolishly in love with a fantasy he can never behold. Wow that just makes me feel special.

And what is it now with all my friends getting pregnant? I mean, i think its fantastic for them, i know theyre going to make great parents but.... what i dont get is how their biological is working. I mean im older than them and my clock hasn't hit baby o'clock yet. I cant really feel it hitting it any time soon. Does that mean im immature? Does it mean my clock isnt working?

I hate this city, I think ive out grown it, either that or its out grown me. Either way we're not the best of friends. Im sorry leicester but i just cant tolerate you anymore.

The boy who blocked his own shot

If it makes you less sad, I will die by your hand.
I hope you find out what you want.
I already know what I am.
And if it makes you less sad, we'll start talking again.
And you can tell me how vile I already know that I am.
I'll grow old and start acting my age.
I'll be a brand new day in a life that you hate.
A crown of gold. A heart that's harder than stone.
And it hurts a whole lot, but it's missed when it's gone.

Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not.
I'm glad that you can forgive.
I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget.

If it makes you less sad, I'll move out of the state.
You can keep to yourself. I'll keep out of your way.
And if it makes you less sad, I'll take your pictures all down.
Every picture you paint, I will paint myself out.
It's cold as a tomb, and it's dark in your room,
when I sneak to your bed to pour salt in your wounds.
So call it quits or get a grip.
Say you wanted a solution.
You just wanted to be missed.

Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not.
I'm glad that you can forgive.
I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget...

You are calm and reposed. Let your beauty unfold.
Pale white, like the skin stretched over your bones.
Spring keeps you ever close. You are second hand smoke.
You are so fragile and thin. Standing trial for your sins.
Holding onto yourself the best you can.
You are the smell before rain. You are the blood in my veins.

Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not.
I'm glad that you can forgive. I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget.

:D

These never EVER fail to put a smile on my face.
I LOVE YOU LOLCATS <3

My racing heart is just the same

First of all i do apologise to anyone following my blog, my laptop broke and PC world are at the top of a very tall EPIC FAIL list.
But now ive recieved satifying compensation i need to write here before my head explodes with my own banter.
Let me update you briefly...

2010 really has been a massive improvement. I've learnt to channel my anger into something productive, which for me is kickboxing. This new health regime is prompting me to feel great and i know one day i'll be able to look at myself and be happy with the way ive developed.
Im coping alot better now, without him, but im not going to lie, i've no need too, i still do miss him every single day. Its frustrating that not a day goes by where i sit and wonder "what if?". What if id done things differently. What if id not caught him being unfaithful. What if i hadnt had begged for him back, making a mockery of myself. I see his face in my mind and it hurts, even though i will it not too. I shouldnt care to be honest I should be repulsed by even the thought of his voice, but i cant help but think what i had with him was "it".
Its not just my fault though, i havent really found anything better since. Ive been interested in a few sorry souls but when it comes down to it all i can think is "your not him" and i hate myself for it. I hate the fact that i have to tell these people, who have so very kindly let me into their heart, that i dont feel for them what they feel for me. Especially the sex, it repulses me because its not him.
I do agree by far that this is probably the most unhealthy way of thinking. Im never going to recover 100% you say? Your probably right.
He still texts me, conveniently, he's actually just text me now. The thing i loved about him was he always kept me on my toes. Such a confusing person for someone so gorgeous. Sometimes he texts me really sweet things, thats when i know he's inhebriated. It plays with my heart something rotten though. Its not so much a heart at the moment, more a yoyo on elastic.
Since ive had a good year i thought id prepared myself for such a situation as him moving on and being emotionally interested in another girl but as soon as the prospect has now appeared i really dont know what to do with myself. Im a mess. I cant escape you, everytime i turn on my laptop your there and no ones to blame but myself. It kind of feels like a minor form of bullying in a way. Like in primary school when that said group of girls made me cry and i used to hide in the cloak room at dinner times so i wouldnt have to see them poking fun at me. But right now the cloakroom isnt there anymore, nothing is.
I hate that as you grow up you have to face your problems dead on, you cant really hide in your own fantasies like you used to. Problems seem to come more often and deal a much bigger blow. They say as you get older the harder your problems are to solve.
Well i dont want to grow up.
I miss being a kid, lately ive been watching films i had as a child. I never really unstood the stories in most of them. Like the little mermaid by Hanz Christian Anderson, not the rip off by Disney. I must have cried for half an hour at the end where the mermaid throws herself into the ocean and gives her life because she cant kill the man she's in love with, even though he loves someone else. Because his happiness is her happiness.
Im not ashamed of the fact i blubbered like a baby though, i like crying, it reminds me that i still have a heart. And its beating.

R.I.P Marina <3

On a brighter note this sun is filling me with feel good emotions. Please stay mr sunshine i love how you make me smile.