Okay so i haven't blogged in along time, mainly because I've been excessively busy with my new job (yes i got that teaching job).
I know i REALLY should have done, it would have made this post a lot less of an effort to write.
Okay, lets keep it traditional, even though i do prefer the abstract, and start where we left off....
After feeling like a huge endless empty hole was forming itself inside me i found a reason to think positively and whenever i felt like the world had taken a huge proverbial crap on my shoulders i would look to my newly discovered reason and found that part of me smiled.
I was beginning to clear out the old and redecorate myself for the new, dusting all the corners ready for my new reason to take control of what drives my desire. Naturally we had our ups and downs but the positives definitely outweighed anything other than. I had a reason to clear my head and really appreciate the person i was, i felt completely comfortable, resembling the feeling one gets when immersing ourselves in newly washed sheets before bedtime.
My reason occupied my mind as only someone who is absent can. And now it is absent.
It has gone to discover bigger and greater things, and as i am happy for it, its absence bothers me greatly. Where is my reason to smile? Where can i now discover myself in the arms of someone else if my reason is not here?
I NEED MY REASON........
My reason is gone,
My best friend has gone,
My other best friend is distant
Most of the people i depended on to keep me standing fail to be mature
I don't know who or what i can trust
I need a sanctuary, just so i can rummage through my own thoughts and disregard those that make me unhappy.
Talking of sanctuary, i took a break to Carlisle for a few days to clear my head of Leicester's madness and escape the sights of what feels like the anti-Christ (No names mentioned). Yes i know the anti-Christ is probably a little over dramatic but she lies, she destroys all who fall under her feet, she has an army of minions who heed to her every call and I'm pretty sure she breathes fire too.
Well.... maybe not......
Anyway carlisle was awesome. Spending near on 4 days with Venzie in an unknown town where no one knows me or my past was the relief i needed. I could create a whole new identity and erase the parts of me that i hate.
Venzie was an awesome host, she let me share her bed, drink her wine and use her laptop for the whole break. Her housemates are wicked and her house is beautiful (except her dodgy radiator!)
Since I've been back I've had nothing but shit, shit and more shit.
Ive seen things id rather not see, I've heard things i probably shouldn't have listened too and I've even been threatened once.
The one person i though would always be there for me has finally turned their back, but in the most hurtful way. They seem to misunderstand me yet they understand me the most. The fact that we are both walking contradictions bring us close together. We have that special bond, but now it is broken, completely ripped to shreds and severed at the ends.
Now i feel like i have no one, not in direct anyway, i know i can rely on the few that are gifted with the intelligence to stay mutual and save judgement until the time it matters. And for those few i am very grateful!
I am unhappy where i am.
I need change.....
I promise to visit my friends more often
I promise to travel out of the city whenever i can
I promise to see venzie as much as possible
I promise to put as much effort in to my new job as possible
I promise to love each and every one of my students
I promise to concentrate more on my modelling and build my portfolio
I promise to get a better hobby
I promise to cherish my remaining friends
I promise to love my cat (even when he's being a cunt)
I promise to eat better
I promise to stop going out so much
I promise to keep learning
I promise to stop chasing love, and let it come to me.
I promise to work on my physical appearance
I promise to do what ever it takes to be happy
I promise to blog more often.