Visionary

If you dont understand me, your understanding perfectly.



You look so gorgeous as you break my heart.

100 strokes of the brush before bed....

"This is why you make me lose my head; your mature, intelligent and you have this passion inside you that's utterly boundless."

"I know, I've hurt myself, I've had no respect for me, for my person, which i say i love so much. I'm not so sure i love myself as i once did; a girl who loves herself doesn't let her body be violated by any man whatsoever, without a specific reason and without even any pleasure. I tell you this as a prelude to revealing a secret, a sad secret that i foolishly wanted to hide from you, deluding myself that i could forget."

"I entered the bathroom, looked at myself in the mirror and no longer saw the image of that girl who took such delight in examining herself a few years ago. I saw sad eyes rendered even more pitiful by the black liner that streamed down my cheeks. I saw a mouth that had been violated so many times tonight and had lost its freshness. I felt invaded by foreign bodies. Then i brushed my hair a hundred times, as my mother always says, as princesses do."

P is for PROMISE

Okay so i haven't blogged in along time, mainly because I've been excessively busy with my new job (yes i got that teaching job).
I know i REALLY should have done, it would have made this post a lot less of an effort to write.

Okay, lets keep it traditional, even though i do prefer the abstract, and start where we left off....

After feeling like a huge endless empty hole was forming itself inside me i found a reason to think positively and whenever i felt like the world had taken a huge proverbial crap on my shoulders i would look to my newly discovered reason and found that part of me smiled.
I was beginning to clear out the old and redecorate myself for the new, dusting all the corners ready for my new reason to take control of what drives my desire. Naturally we had our ups and downs but the positives definitely outweighed anything other than. I had a reason to clear my head and really appreciate the person i was, i felt completely comfortable, resembling the feeling one gets when immersing ourselves in newly washed sheets before bedtime.
My reason occupied my mind as only someone who is absent can. And now it is absent.
It has gone to discover bigger and greater things, and as i am happy for it, its absence bothers me greatly. Where is my reason to smile? Where can i now discover myself in the arms of someone else if my reason is not here?

I NEED MY REASON........

My reason is gone,
My best friend has gone,
My other best friend is distant
Most of the people i depended on to keep me standing fail to be mature
I don't know who or what i can trust
I need a sanctuary, just so i can rummage through my own thoughts and disregard those that make me unhappy.

Talking of sanctuary, i took a break to Carlisle for a few days to clear my head of Leicester's madness and escape the sights of what feels like the anti-Christ (No names mentioned). Yes i know the anti-Christ is probably a little over dramatic but she lies, she destroys all who fall under her feet, she has an army of minions who heed to her every call and I'm pretty sure she breathes fire too.
Well.... maybe not......
Anyway carlisle was awesome. Spending near on 4 days with Venzie in an unknown town where no one knows me or my past was the relief i needed. I could create a whole new identity and erase the parts of me that i hate.
Venzie was an awesome host, she let me share her bed, drink her wine and use her laptop for the whole break. Her housemates are wicked and her house is beautiful (except her dodgy radiator!)

Since I've been back I've had nothing but shit, shit and more shit.
Ive seen things id rather not see, I've heard things i probably shouldn't have listened too and I've even been threatened once.
The one person i though would always be there for me has finally turned their back, but in the most hurtful way. They seem to misunderstand me yet they understand me the most. The fact that we are both walking contradictions bring us close together. We have that special bond, but now it is broken, completely ripped to shreds and severed at the ends.

Now i feel like i have no one, not in direct anyway, i know i can rely on the few that are gifted with the intelligence to stay mutual and save judgement until the time it matters. And for those few i am very grateful!

I am unhappy where i am.
I need change.....

I promise to visit my friends more often
I promise to travel out of the city whenever i can
I promise to see venzie as much as possible
I promise to put as much effort in to my new job as possible
I promise to love each and every one of my students
I promise to concentrate more on my modelling and build my portfolio
I promise to get a better hobby
I promise to cherish my remaining friends
I promise to love my cat (even when he's being a cunt)
I promise to eat better
I promise to stop going out so much
I promise to keep learning
I promise to stop chasing love, and let it come to me.
I promise to work on my physical appearance
I promise to do what ever it takes to be happy

I promise to blog more often.

Your the nicest thing

All I know is that you're so nice,
You're the nicest thing I've seen.
I wish that we could give it a go,
See if we could be something.

I wish I was your favorite girl,
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world.
I wish my smile was your favorite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style.

I wish you couldn't figure me out,
But you always wanted know what I was about.
I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset,
I wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met.

I wish you had a favorite beauty spot that you loved secretly,
'Cos it was on a hidden bit that nobody else could see.
Basically, I wish that you loved me,
I wish that you needed me,
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,
actually I meant three.

I wish that without me your heart would break,
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake.
I wish that without me you couldn't eat,
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.

Look all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen.
And I wish that we could see if we could be something.
Yea I wish that we could see if we could be something.

The nicest thing - Kate Nash <3

Well now i just feel fucking stupid.

If I Can Only Be With You In My Dreams, Then Let Me Sleep Forever.

I know, i know i promised to never talk to them every again, but please read this before you judge and i'll try to justify myself!

They popped up on msn again for the second time this week, asking that stupid pathetic question which has boiled my blood both times.
What sort of fucking question is that seriously?? And secondly how fucking old are you!

Its been the first time in 4 months the person in question has even looked my way, and every day ive missed them. I always wonder what theyre up too and if they ever think of me like i regrettedly think of them.
I dont want to think of them, i just do.

But until now our sides had been silent.
I didnt want to answer, and i knew i shouldnt, in fact i had no the slightest idea what to do. Its been so long since we spoke that words escaped me and my hands, shaking, hovered over the keys for a good 20 minutes before i even found the confidence in me to type.
You see the thing is, i dont want to hide away, it certainly isnt my place too, but im not the same person as i was 4 months ago and neither are they, and ive worked damn hard in those 4 months to achieve what i have now!
I certainly dont want to regress and go back on all my hard work.

There's so much more i wanted to say to them, i could have unleashed a whole can of worms on the situation and i could have wrote for hours, saying the things i could never say back then.
But i didnt....

I felt that short and sweet was probably the best option but the problem was i was finding it difficult not to regress. Wounds leave scars and deep wounds are always tender for a long time.

The person in question kept it short and blunt, like they always were, they stated it was just concern, but they had nothing to be concerned about. So now i guess we'll go back to just not talking, seperated by that horrible and cold no-mans-land we call ignorance.

So congratulations, you've now got me thinking, i want to say so much but i'll keep my mouth closed and just talk about you in my blog.

IMISSYOUANDILOVEYOUBUTIHATEYOUBECAUSEICANTSTOPLOVINGYOU

Dick.