I've been doing copious amounts of thinking reecently, and ive been spending alot of time in my own head just trying to sort through what really is keeping me in this numb but mellow state.
The amount of ancient procrastination which needs to be addressed is unreal and i intend to correct such unfinished business one holy step at a time. As they say "one small step for man, one slightly reduced one for Laura Dee".
I've come to a conclusion, yet in contradiction, the conclusion is a mearly a begining. I've come to the conclusion (and finally the acceptance) that i dont understand myself, and how can i even begin to establish an understanding of what i want when i dont even understand myself.
I dont understand how i work, how i think, i dont understand my actions or intentions. I am an enigma of my own emotions. I can try and reason within myself but im not even overly sure if i can work within reason, im not sure how i work.
I behold so many different personalities im getting lost and loosing any sense of who i really am. Truth is i dont fully know why or at what point in my life this started, im pretty sure in the midst of my innocence i had a tight grasp on myself and others around me. Now everythings just out of control.
Im trying to preoccupy my mind with throwing every ounce of energy i have into developing my teaching career, but at times when i accidently give space for my mind to wander, i find i always revert to thinking about the same damn thing as i used too.
Although, i think about it alot less than i used to which is definately a vast improvement. I try my hardest not to fall for your games everytime you text me, and believe me by the sounds of the things you text me you drive a hard bargain, but im glad im not the only one that remembers the good times.
Its hard for me, because im so indecisive with myself at the moment, i cant establish weather i love you, or hate you. Sometimes the simplest thought of you makes me smile, all i have to do is close my eyes and pretend your there and my heart melts. Other times the smallest thing that reminds me of you will make me shake with anger and damn the day i ever let you walk into my life.
If i could turn back the time i would tell myself to never have gone over to your house that day that i did. Funny thing was i only agreed to travel over there to shut you up, you nagged me for weeks. I never intended to like you or get on that well with you. But i entered your house and ever since that day i never left... and you never left my heart.
Ive nearly text you so many times this week to tell you that i miss you, i even nearly told you that my hearts still in love with you, but i realise the probability of that information doing more harm than good is quite high and i know id only and up just getting more hurt. But what am i ment to say when you text me something as sweet tasting as you did?
So what have i learnt from this? That i dont understand myself? Yes. That im a walking contradiction? Yes. Ive found a way to solve this? No
So all i can offer you is a little contradiction Poem to invite you in to my frame of mind... kind of...
One bright day in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back-to-back they faced one another,
Drew their swords and shot each other.
One was blind and the other couldn't see,
So they chose a dummy for a referee.
A blind man went to see fair play,
A dumb man went to shout "hooray!"
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
And came and shot the two dead boys.
A paralyzed donkey walking by,
Kicked the copper in the eye,
Sent him through a rubber wall,
Into a dry ditch and drowned them all.
(If you don't believe this lie is true,
Ask the blind man -- he saw it too!)