Saturday, 28 November 2009


The thought of you makes me smoke 100 cigarettes.
Laying in the midst of my own episodic, pathetic daydreams of what we could have been, and all the things we never were.
You remain under my tongue, lingering like a bad taste i cant get enough of.

In hindsight, 2009 hasnt been a good year for me, I have had my heart broken more than once, I have lost the love of my life, I have lost my best friends, I have become my own worst enemy and my own best friend.
I can trust nobody.


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  2. 2009 wasn't a good year for me either. but then, neither was 2008, or 2007.

    I too often find myself lost in memories of past friends and loves that i have no chance of regaining. i have so much useless junk from old friends. i used to see the little reminders of what once was and feel sad. now i know that its the best i can get, and settle for the souveiners of happy times that i can't get back. somedays it hurts so bad. other days it hurts so good.

    i too am my own worst enemy and my own best friend. i hate myself. i have more than once considered what i call "self homicide" because I though the term "suicide" implies a mercy killing, a release from pain, where i wanted a slow and painful death, which i felt i deserved and the world deserved so the world wouldnt have to deal with me anymore. often when i have urges to hurt myself, and then step back and say "wait... why am i even going to hurt myself?" my mind scrambles for an excuse, and the first thing it always comes up with is "you're fat."

    as much as i hate myself, i don't trust other people not to leave me (i dont blame them for leaving me, but it still hurts when they do) so i've been iscolating myself the past month,not talking to friends, ignoring texts after a significant number of people let me down in a short period of time. so i guess i'm my own best friend, because right now i'm the only friend i have. i'm the only person who doesn't leave me (even though by considering suicide i suppose i've wanted to)